


The Well Random Love Story of an Emperor and a Charioteer

by Verecunda



Category: Horrible Histories
Genre: Ancient Rome, Class Difference, Humour, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-07
Updated: 2011-12-07
Packaged: 2017-10-27 01:33:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verecunda/pseuds/Verecunda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what it says on the tin!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Well Random Love Story of an Emperor and a Charioteer

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own either the _Horrible Histories_ books or TV series.
> 
> Slight warning: Contains a vague reference to human sacrifice, and a casual mention of people being eaten by lions.
> 
> Note: Based on a passage from Cassius Dio's biography of Elagabalus. Personally, I'm inclined to imagine Ben Willbond as Hierocles, but since Hierocles is more or less an OC for this fandom, it's probably a moot point!

Hierocles was nervous. Very, _very_ nervous.

His day hadn’t exactly been the best he’d ever had. Halfway through his race at the Circus Maximus, he’d been on a winning streak when, suddenly, his chariot had careered out of control and he’d come to a splintering crash right there on the circuit. That was bad enough, but when he’d finally untangled himself from the reins, clambered out from the wreckage, and made sure that he a) was still alive and b) still had all his limbs intact (which was more than could be said for the horses), he realised that he’d somehow lost his favourite helmet. But even worse than that, he’d shipwrecked right in front of the Imperial box, where the Emperor and his family were watching. If that didn’t mean the end of his career, nothing would.

He didn’t have much time to think about that, though, as he was quickly shunted off the course by the circus attendants to prevent him being crushed by the other charioteers, who were coming back round the track. They pulled him into the entrance passage, where he leaned against the damp stone wall to catch his breath, trying to block out the sound of the crowd booing his name and cheering on that idiot Marcellus from the Blue team as he crossed the finish line.

After that, it was all a bit of a blur, but Hierocles suddenly found himself being approached by two suave, shifty types in cloaks, who’d told him that the Emperor wanted to see him. They hadn’t even given him time to process the information, let alone reply, before whisking him away from the Circus and away to the Imperial palace.

That was when Hierocles started getting nervous. As they led him through a maze of corridors, his guts began to tighten as if he’d tied the reins of his chariot team too tight around himself. He had no idea what Emperor Elagabalus would want with him, not to mention that the young emperor had a reputation for being a bit... crazy. After all, everyone remembered Romo Lottery Millions.

Finally, they came to a stop outside a tall, carved door. “The Emperor will receive you in here,” they said, before shoving him inside and snapping the door shut behind him. Leaving him utterly alone.

Swallowing past the dry lump in his throat, Hierocles turned on the spot, blinking as he found himself staring at an empty room. A very fancy empty room, hung with gauzy curtains on gold rings, bright frescoes across every wall, lots of gilded wooden furniture and embroidered silk cushions. The only thing it was missing was the Emperor. In fact, there was no one else here at all.

Hierocles was suddenly afraid that he’d just fallen victim to one of Elagabalus’ infamous practical jokes. Was he suddenly about to find himself face-to-face with a lion, or some other wild animal? Had his humiliation in the circus today somehow angered the Emperor, who had now decided to punish him for it? What if he ended up as a human sacrifice to Elagabalus’ crazy sun god?

His palms were sweating; he balled them into fists as he took a hesitant step further into the room, peering around. Clearing his throat awkwardly, he said to the empty room, “Er... Divine Emperor? Caesar? I’m Hierocles the charioteer; you sent for me...”

No answer. Now he really was afraid. He took another step.

“Caesar? Anyone? Hellooo...”

Still nothing. Hierocles could only stand there, heart pounding, as he waited for something -anything - to happen...

“ _Yo!_ ”

He’d been preparing himself for a shock, but the sudden voice in his ear still made him leap about ten feet in the air. Then, just over the pounding of the blood in his ears, he heard a chortle of maniacal laughter.

“ _Huhuhuhuh!_ Gotcha! You should totally see your face, man!”

Blinking, Hierocles risked a glance in the direction of the voice. Standing next to a pillar, a tall, thin figure was doubled up with laughter. A figure draped in the Imperial purple with a golden laurel wreath on his head. Eventually he straightened up, and Hierocles caught a glimpse of big dark eyes before they closed as Elagabalus’ face crumpled into laughter again.

“ _Huhuhuh_ , I totally hid behind that pillar and waited for you to come in before jumping out at you. _Huhuh_ , I’m so _random_!”

Hierocles did the best thing he could do in the situation. He gawped.

“Er... Caesar?”

Elagabalus stopped chortling long enough to look up, as if he’d been so absorbed in congratulating himself on his randomness that he’d almost forgotten Hierocles was there. “Huh? What?”

“I was wondering... er...” How was he supposed to say anything without coming across as insolent? “I’m not sure... I mean, no one told me anything... so I was just wondering...” he shrugged helplessly, “...why I’m here, exactly.”

“Ooh... oh, yeah. Right!” Elagabalus’ eyes lit up. “I saw your crash in the circus today. It was well devastating, man.”

With a mounting sense of dread, Hierocles realised that his worst suspicions were confirmed. This was about the crash.

“Yeah - I just wanted to say, Emperor,” he said quickly, “that I am so, so sorry you had to see that. I never meant to insult you, divine Emperor, I -”

But he cut off abruptly, as Elagabalus suddenly stepped up to them, closing the distance between them until they were standing almost nose-to-nose. He looked Hierocles up and down curiously, before raising a hand to Hierocles’ hair, sliding a blond strand slowly between his fingers. Whatever Hierocles had been expecting, this wasn’t it. The only thing he could do was stand there, holding his breath as the Emperor avidly stroked his hair.

“Your helmet fell off when you crashed, and I saw your hair. It’s well shiny.”

“I don’t think I really understand, Caesar...”

“Ooh. Well.” Elagabalus shrugged. “I just thought you were well lush so I decided to have you brought here so we could, like, I dunno, have sex or something.”

You could have knocked Hierocles over with a feather. He’d heard far too many stories about the Emperor’s personal life. But, he had to admit, seeing him in person, he couldn’t deny that Elagabalus was - well, he was beautiful... in a crazy sort of way.

Suddenly, Elagabalus dropped his hand from Hierocles’ hair and moved off towards the table, picking up a plum from the fruit bowl and giving it an experimental nibble.

“Ooh, good, they brought up the real fruit. That’s okay; I’d have them executed if they hadn’t. _Huhuh._ ”

Hierocles followed the Emperor across the room. Elagabalus flopped down on the silk-cushioned couch and, with a come-hither smile, patted the space next to him. Hierocles still half-expected there to be a catch, but at the same time, there was something irresistible about that smile. He sat down.

Looking for something to say, he gave a shaky half-laugh. “You know, Caesar, when I was shown to this room, I expected there to be a lion or something inside.”

“Ooh, no,” said Elagabalus casually. “The lion is in the next room. _Huhuhuh._ ”

Hierocles just stared.

“Yeah, I put him in there to freak people out. Only sometimes they end up getting eaten as well.” Elagabalus shrugged, then he grinned. “How mad am I? _How mad am I? Huhuhuh._ ”

Sensing that Elagabalus actually wanted a response, Hierocles replied uncertainly, “It’s... um... it’s well wicked, Caesar.”

“Aaaw, thanks!” Elagabalus smiled, looking so gorgeous that Hierocles suddenly thought that he was somehow already half in love with this adorable, crazy, borderline-psychotic emperor.

Deciding to take the proverbial bull by the horns, he leaned in and kissed Elagabalus on the mouth. It was hard to say who was more surprised, really, but when they finally broke apart for air, Elagabalus was grinning.

“Wow... you are, like, _such_ a good kisser, Hierocles.”

Hierocles, still a bit dazed with - well, everything - just laughed.

“Sooo...” murmured Elagabalus, looking up at him from under his eyelashes.

“So?”

“So, are we going to do it now, only I’m well gagging for it. _Huhuhuh._ ”

It was definitely the weirdest proposition he’d ever had, but Hierocles couldn’t really find it in himself to complain.

“Er... yeah, all right.”

“Sweet!” Without further ado, Elagabalus began ripping off his toga and tunic, sending his golden wreath spinning into the far corner of the room. Bemused, but definitely willing and able, Hierocles began undressing himself, and when a skinny arm shot out and reached its hand to him, he took it and let himself be pulled onto the couch, Elagabalus’ crazy chuckle sounding in his ear.

-

After that, they fell into an odd sort of routine. Hierocles spent his days in training, or in the circus, and his nights at the Imperial palace with Elagabalus. As time went on, he found himself growing more and more fond of the young emperor. Okay, so his sense of humour wasn’t for everyone, but underneath it all, there was still something weirdly endearing about him. There was still some part of Hierocles that wondered if all this was going to turn out to be part of some elaborate practical joke, but for now, Elagabalus was surprisingly not crazy with him, almost normal...

“So, _yeah_ , I’ve been thinking.”

Hierocles was already half-asleep, his arm around Elagabalus’ shoulders, so all he managed was a vague, “Hm...?”

“We should totally get married.”

Hierocles’ eyes flew open. “What?”

Elagabalus shifted against him, folding his arms across Hierocles’ chest and pressing his face into Hierocles’ own. He grinned, in that way that Hierocles had learnt meant that he had just come up with some new and outrageous idea.

“I _said_ \- we should totally get married. It’d be _literally_ the most wicked thing ever! _Huhuhuh._ ”

“Um...” It was the best response he could manage. “Why?”

Elagabalus rolled his eyes. “’Cause I _love_ you, _idiot_. So much you wouldn’t literally believe it.”

Which was pretty heartfelt, coming from Elagabalus. Hierocles smiled as he stroked the Emperor’s hair. “Well, I love you, too, but... can we even get married?”

Elagabalus shrugged, in the way that meant he didn’t know, and really didn’t care. “I _am_ the Emperor. No one’s gonna stop me, and even if they did, I could always just have them executed. _Huhuh._ ”

“But - you’re already married.”

“Ooh. Yeah.” Elagabalus frowned. “Well, Aquilia is a Vestal Virgin, so apparently that was, like, illegal or something.” He smirked. “The Senate was well vexed about that. _Huhuhuh._ ”

Somehow, Hierocles doubted that the Senate would approve of the Emperor marrying a charioteer any more than they would of him marrying a Vestal, but he didn’t mention that.

“Anyway,” Elagabalus went on, “the Senate doesn’t matter. But my nan will probably get on my case. She’s _such_ a drag. _Ugh._ ” With that, he flopped his head on Hierocles’ chest.

There was a short silence as Elagabalus sulked. Then, eventually, he raised his head. “Sooo... what d’you think?”

For a moment, Hierocles didn’t say anything. It was a crazy idea, it just wasn’t done in Rome, and it would get them both hated by the Senate forever. But Elagabalus was looking at him with big, shiny eyes, and for Hierocles, there was only one answer.

“Yeah,” he laughed. “Sure. Why not?”

Elagabalus grinned, and pulled him up into a kiss.

“Just one question,” said Hierocles as they pulled apart. “Will one of us have to wear the veil?”

Elagabalus suddenly got _that_ gleam in his eye, and started laughing.


End file.
